The Third One

Poutine is one of the most interesting foods in the world today. Its like a cheeseburger and fries without the meat, or bun. Or condiments.
Poutine was invented in France in 230 AD after the fall of the Ming dynasty. French people were getting pissed off about having to eat these fruity little chinese hors d'oeuvres, which back then was spelled, and pronounced Whore Dirts, because they were much less classy back then
These chinese Whore Dirts were little balls of random meat that was grated up and mixed with whatever kind of edible looking things the Chinese food makers could find; berries, play dough, Gak, and the cheese powder from Kraft dinner, (which was primarily mixed with spaghetti due to the lack of tomatoes in both France and China). These balls of meat and other weird things were wrapped in paper and fried and eaten with the hands.
The french were angered by how clean and easy the food was to eat, and the minimal amount of mess it left behind. The french were a messy and foul people and wanted their hands, face and Mavi jeans to be covered in cheese curd and gravy by the end of the meal. Try as they may to eat the food in a messy way, those god damn Chinese whore dirts were just far too clean.
The saviour of French cuisine was born in 206 AD, and his name was Henri Henri Henri Chauvignon-Jackson. He looked at the current state of french food, and noticed one problem. It wasn't French, it was Chinese. So he found a way to incorporate foods that the Chinese hated. Gravy, french fries and cheese.
It started with a plate, which he stared at for 3 days trying to come up with ideas, but the plate wasn't talking. He sat in his basement and planned, but nothing came to him. Fed up with his lack of ideas, townsfolk threw potatoes through the razor sharp bars that guarded his window, slicing the potatoes into deliciously small and thin pieces of goodness. Henri was drinking his cup of gravy, a traditional french beverage consumed before bed, when he fell asleep at the table, but the sound of falling french fries alerted him and he awoke with a shock, spilling the gravy on the fries. Saddened by his waste of a delicious semi liquid, he began to weep over the plate of spoiled food. He started to cry, cry tears, tears of cheese. Yes, Henri3 was the first Xmen and his mutant power was he cried cheese.
He then decided to eat it, why the hell not, right? He quickly realized how ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE IT WAS! He ran outdoors and told the towns people, and they rejoiced, and poutine was named the national dish. However, due to the cheese shortage after the Hindus raided the countryside and stole all the cows, Henri had to find an alternate way to produce it. So the townspeople took turns satisfying his wife in his sight, causing him to weep cheese into buckets that were poured into cauldrons of gravy.
In his honor, Poutine is now France's main food group, that and butter. France only gets 2.

The Second One

I came back pretty fast. Mostly because you can't do much else but write a plain introduction with your first post, and that wasn't enough to satisfy the itch. After failing to cure it with Goldbond, I am back in the saddle again.

I have a pretty sweet idea.

I have been told that there are some people out there, who rather than work several jobs to earn the money to buy all the neato stuff that they wish to buy, take a whole different approach to the whole "getting paid" thing.
There are, again, I am just going by what I am told, apparently people out there who simply steal money from other people in order to buy neato stuff. It is a pretty interesting concept. It's sort of like multi-level marketing. I was gonna say Pyramid Scheme, but I think this holds a totally different shape.

Rather than work at Walgreens for minimum wage stuffing groceries in a bag, then going to Wal-Mart and stuffing groceries in a bag before coming home and crying yourself a bathtub of tears to bathe in 'cuz your water bill hasn't been paid in four months, you apparently can get OTHER people to do the work for you and then take the money from them. It's like a staffing agency with less paperwork. No forms to fill out, no signatures. No recruiting, In fact, you can just choose whoever you want to work for you. Let them work, then when it's dark out and they are walking home, you push them over and take their wallet.

This would never work for me, because my cardio is atrocious, and I am sure if I stole someone's wallet and ran away, they would not be inclined to call an ambulance for a hyperventilating, would-be thief who just stole their wallet and forced them to walk three quarters of a block to take it out of the hand that isn't clutching my chest.


My idea works as such. For those out there who are much more fleet-footed yet lazy at the same time, I propose we change the social contract on muggings. As it stands, if you steal someone's wallet, you take all the money they have inside, and likely rack up their credit cards on Hannah Montana albums and other junk you are too embarrassed to purchase with your own credit cards.

If someone were to steal my wallet, they had better not set their sights on anything more than $12.95 if they want to save themselves the embarrassment and social stigmatization of saying "Oops, wrong card" 7 times before walking out sheepishly empty handed.

With my new proposal, if a mugger were to steal your wallet, he should have to be weary of the risk of stealing a broke man's wallet. If someone were to steal your wallet, and you are broke, then they should have to pay your credit cards for you. It's only fair. You steal my wallet, and I'm rich, I won't even chase you. No way am I gonna bother getting wind burn on my Banana Republic khakis over mere pennies when I have another twelve grand in the change cup of my Benz.
However, you steal my wallet, and I'm poor, after you get over the initial joy of spending all 65,000 Club Z points I had been saving, you will be expected to pay all my credit card debt. You took them, theyre yours now son.

I think it would lead to a fashion revolution. After this takes hold, rich people will no longer be walking around with their BENCH collars sticking up fourteen inches above their newly manicured hair dos, (seriously what is up with the damn collars on those things, you would swear that Bench is made strictly for the Padaung women with the neck rings.)

Rich people would be dressing like hobos hoping no one would take their wallet and poor people would be walking around in designer jeans with diamond encrusted wallets hanging out the back pocket, just parading around in the alleyways at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I think I might be on to something.

The First One

So I have made a blog, hooray!
Now when I have spare time at the end of the day I can use it writing stupid things to entertain my friends and other people who may or may not know me, which is pretty radawesome because I don't have time to do that in person and I can totally constitute this as human contact.

"I'm not anti-social, I have a blog!"

"What do you mean we haven't talked in 2 months? I emailed you the link to my blog."

I totally just used the second one via electronic media 17 seconds ago, which is funny on several levels:
1) That was the first thing I had said to that person in nearly 2 months, via any form of communication
2) It was done via internet chat.
3) I haven't even posted this yet, so it wasn't in fact true.

You will see many more instances of me explaining why my jokes are funny as you continue to read this. Most of my jokes come with instruction manuals, which is why this blog is so awesome, because it will save alot of trees, and cut down on my printing costs.

I am ending transmission now because the button below that currently says "SAVE NOW", but changes to "SAVING" "SAVED" every eleven seconds is driving my insane.

Good Day.