The Tenth One

I love A&E. I frigging love it. And it is about to get even better.
I could totally lay on a pile of pizza boxes and watch Intervention and Hoarders all day, and just smoke crack and drink wine until the mice over run the house and I end up on the show.

They have a couple new shows coming out that I am totally gonna be completely engulfed by. Heavy, and Beyond scared straight. I loved on the old Maury shows before he got stuck in a Groundhog Day/ Pregnancy test mash-up and actually had other shit on his shows, like big mother lover D West, and some other scary ass dude coming in and screaming in eight year old kids faces for not going to bed on time to hiding the remote on their mom. They would take them into prison they day after all you can eat Speedball night, and the day before conjugal visit day, and all these prisoners would threaten to kill and eat these little kids they don't even know. These kids end up turning their lives around and become police officers, and beat the hell out of any convict older than them in hopes of exacting revenge.

Anyways, these shows are going to be so damn good. I tell you all this because if my family is looking for me, i will be glued in front of the TiVo all damn day, because you know theyre going to marathon the hell out of those shows. And when I say TiVo, I mean tv, cuz if you read my other blogs you'll know I can't afford that shit.

I think the only thing A&E needs to do for me to pledge my undying allegiance to them is to meld all these programs together, and add Mr T.

I would love Mr T to be the guy who yells in these people's faces, and you just know the success rates of these people would sky rocket if Mr T was there berating them all damn day long. When the crazy old cat lady on Hoarders gets all stupid and won't throw out a piece of cat turd cuz it reminds her of a rocking horse her Uncle built for her when she lived in Poland, he will chase her into the house and talk some sense into her- or mohawk slap it out of her.


















 When the guy who used to be an investment banker and Children's Novel Author leaves his interview to snort cocaine off of a ventriloquists dummy in an alley behind Mac's Milk, you know for SURE Mr. T will have none of that. He will also want to know why I capitalized each word in "children's novel author" up there, and I will have no answers for him.

He might even be a good host of Heavy. Maury also used to have shows where really fat people would come on the show and cry about how they were so fat, and then Maury's crew would show a typical pre-breakfast meal was like for them. Six loaves of buttered toast, Ok, I'm sorry, but you just know you're dealing with someone who is over 400 pounds when you start measuring buttered toast in loaves, 14 pounds of bacon, and 3 litres of orange juice.

Mr. T would have them crapping in their snuggies if he was there. They should take a super-morbidly obese person, and do nothing else but have Mr. T look after them. They can still eat what they want, and do anything they normally do, and just let Mr. T keep his watchful eye on them.

Even when Mr. T goes out to get smokes and Bubble Tape, he still can see every move Captain Fatty makes. Mostly because 800 lb people don't move much, and are visible at 2000 yards, but that does not at all diminish Mr T's fatty watching capabilities.











So, A&E, the ball is in your court. We could make Mr T alot of money. And I could never have to go outside again. It's your call. I have already enticed at least three potential viewers who read my blog, and have secured our very first sponsor.

Call me.

The Ninth One

Merry Christmas- You're Homeless!

Have you ever worked somewhere, and you thought you were doing a good job, because it was obvious you were doing a good job, and you started to get comfortable, then all of a sudden, they slap you in the nuts with their nuts?

There's nothing better than working your ass off for a company, not because you like it, or your co-workers, but moreso because you like food, and not getting rained on when you are lying in bed, and working that job gives you the money to make that happen, then all of a sudden getting the shaft.


Below is an actual conversation I have had with a boss.

"Hey, why do I only have one shift this week?"
"Oh, we only need you for one shift."
"But there's 38 hours worth of work to do tonight, and I am here for 4 hours."
"Oh, yeah, we don't care what the place looks like, or if the people who spend their money here can find anything, we just like being as inept as possible, every chance we get."

Ok, im paraphrasing, i may have said 5 hours.

That's not even the worst part. The worst is when they try to justify to you, as if they were looking out for you by screwing you sideways to the Grease soundtrack.They make it sound like they are doing you a favour.

"Think about all the free time you will have with 2 extra days off".
Yes, I have needed to free up a few afternoons for boiling socks for soup and crying into a bucket to do laundry in.

"Youre too good for this place anyways."
Ok, then pay me more to over-achieve here then. And thank you for acknowledging my aptitude, and rewarding me with the opposite of a reward. A de-ward, if you will.

I remember being desperate, looking for any job I could find, and applied for the most menial jobs anywhere so i could earn some cash. And I get this email. This is a real email rejection I received from a place I applied to.


Dear (-------)

Thank you very much for you interest in working at (------ --------).
Your resume is certainly impressive, and you would no doubt be an asset to our company.
Unfortunately, we are looking to fill the general customer service clerk, a position you are obviously over qualified for. We welcome you to reapply for higher positions in the future, where we would be able to utilize your skills more fully.

Thank you,

(Some Idiot)
(One of the several hardware stores here in this town)

I almost killed my monitor when I read this.

"Able to utilize your skills more fully"? First, that doesn't even make sense as a sentence. Second, I wonder what kind of position I could get a Canadian Lowe's Depot Hardware if I stay at home and practice making dinner out of Sardines and the Pennysaver.

"A position you are obviously over qualified for."
Then why not let me toil away in awesomeness until a position opened up?

"We welcome you to reapply for higher positions in the future"
Right, I will just sit here eating Chef Boyardee out of a can waiting for one of your illustrious "higher positions" to open up. Maybe i'll get lucky and I can be the guy that changes the signs out front. Or the guy that makes sure all the faucets in the sink sections are facing the same way. I would totally kick ass at alphabetizing the nail guns or arranging all the paint swatches into wicked awesome mosaic paintings of geese playing tetherball.

That's all for now, I have a KD and auto trader casserole to put in the oven