The Tenth One

I love A&E. I frigging love it. And it is about to get even better.
I could totally lay on a pile of pizza boxes and watch Intervention and Hoarders all day, and just smoke crack and drink wine until the mice over run the house and I end up on the show.

They have a couple new shows coming out that I am totally gonna be completely engulfed by. Heavy, and Beyond scared straight. I loved on the old Maury shows before he got stuck in a Groundhog Day/ Pregnancy test mash-up and actually had other shit on his shows, like big mother lover D West, and some other scary ass dude coming in and screaming in eight year old kids faces for not going to bed on time to hiding the remote on their mom. They would take them into prison they day after all you can eat Speedball night, and the day before conjugal visit day, and all these prisoners would threaten to kill and eat these little kids they don't even know. These kids end up turning their lives around and become police officers, and beat the hell out of any convict older than them in hopes of exacting revenge.

Anyways, these shows are going to be so damn good. I tell you all this because if my family is looking for me, i will be glued in front of the TiVo all damn day, because you know theyre going to marathon the hell out of those shows. And when I say TiVo, I mean tv, cuz if you read my other blogs you'll know I can't afford that shit.

I think the only thing A&E needs to do for me to pledge my undying allegiance to them is to meld all these programs together, and add Mr T.

I would love Mr T to be the guy who yells in these people's faces, and you just know the success rates of these people would sky rocket if Mr T was there berating them all damn day long. When the crazy old cat lady on Hoarders gets all stupid and won't throw out a piece of cat turd cuz it reminds her of a rocking horse her Uncle built for her when she lived in Poland, he will chase her into the house and talk some sense into her- or mohawk slap it out of her.


















 When the guy who used to be an investment banker and Children's Novel Author leaves his interview to snort cocaine off of a ventriloquists dummy in an alley behind Mac's Milk, you know for SURE Mr. T will have none of that. He will also want to know why I capitalized each word in "children's novel author" up there, and I will have no answers for him.

He might even be a good host of Heavy. Maury also used to have shows where really fat people would come on the show and cry about how they were so fat, and then Maury's crew would show a typical pre-breakfast meal was like for them. Six loaves of buttered toast, Ok, I'm sorry, but you just know you're dealing with someone who is over 400 pounds when you start measuring buttered toast in loaves, 14 pounds of bacon, and 3 litres of orange juice.

Mr. T would have them crapping in their snuggies if he was there. They should take a super-morbidly obese person, and do nothing else but have Mr. T look after them. They can still eat what they want, and do anything they normally do, and just let Mr. T keep his watchful eye on them.

Even when Mr. T goes out to get smokes and Bubble Tape, he still can see every move Captain Fatty makes. Mostly because 800 lb people don't move much, and are visible at 2000 yards, but that does not at all diminish Mr T's fatty watching capabilities.











So, A&E, the ball is in your court. We could make Mr T alot of money. And I could never have to go outside again. It's your call. I have already enticed at least three potential viewers who read my blog, and have secured our very first sponsor.

Call me.