The Tenth One

I love A&E. I frigging love it. And it is about to get even better.
I could totally lay on a pile of pizza boxes and watch Intervention and Hoarders all day, and just smoke crack and drink wine until the mice over run the house and I end up on the show.

They have a couple new shows coming out that I am totally gonna be completely engulfed by. Heavy, and Beyond scared straight. I loved on the old Maury shows before he got stuck in a Groundhog Day/ Pregnancy test mash-up and actually had other shit on his shows, like big mother lover D West, and some other scary ass dude coming in and screaming in eight year old kids faces for not going to bed on time to hiding the remote on their mom. They would take them into prison they day after all you can eat Speedball night, and the day before conjugal visit day, and all these prisoners would threaten to kill and eat these little kids they don't even know. These kids end up turning their lives around and become police officers, and beat the hell out of any convict older than them in hopes of exacting revenge.

Anyways, these shows are going to be so damn good. I tell you all this because if my family is looking for me, i will be glued in front of the TiVo all damn day, because you know theyre going to marathon the hell out of those shows. And when I say TiVo, I mean tv, cuz if you read my other blogs you'll know I can't afford that shit.

I think the only thing A&E needs to do for me to pledge my undying allegiance to them is to meld all these programs together, and add Mr T.

I would love Mr T to be the guy who yells in these people's faces, and you just know the success rates of these people would sky rocket if Mr T was there berating them all damn day long. When the crazy old cat lady on Hoarders gets all stupid and won't throw out a piece of cat turd cuz it reminds her of a rocking horse her Uncle built for her when she lived in Poland, he will chase her into the house and talk some sense into her- or mohawk slap it out of her.


















 When the guy who used to be an investment banker and Children's Novel Author leaves his interview to snort cocaine off of a ventriloquists dummy in an alley behind Mac's Milk, you know for SURE Mr. T will have none of that. He will also want to know why I capitalized each word in "children's novel author" up there, and I will have no answers for him.

He might even be a good host of Heavy. Maury also used to have shows where really fat people would come on the show and cry about how they were so fat, and then Maury's crew would show a typical pre-breakfast meal was like for them. Six loaves of buttered toast, Ok, I'm sorry, but you just know you're dealing with someone who is over 400 pounds when you start measuring buttered toast in loaves, 14 pounds of bacon, and 3 litres of orange juice.

Mr. T would have them crapping in their snuggies if he was there. They should take a super-morbidly obese person, and do nothing else but have Mr. T look after them. They can still eat what they want, and do anything they normally do, and just let Mr. T keep his watchful eye on them.

Even when Mr. T goes out to get smokes and Bubble Tape, he still can see every move Captain Fatty makes. Mostly because 800 lb people don't move much, and are visible at 2000 yards, but that does not at all diminish Mr T's fatty watching capabilities.











So, A&E, the ball is in your court. We could make Mr T alot of money. And I could never have to go outside again. It's your call. I have already enticed at least three potential viewers who read my blog, and have secured our very first sponsor.

Call me.

The Ninth One

Merry Christmas- You're Homeless!

Have you ever worked somewhere, and you thought you were doing a good job, because it was obvious you were doing a good job, and you started to get comfortable, then all of a sudden, they slap you in the nuts with their nuts?

There's nothing better than working your ass off for a company, not because you like it, or your co-workers, but moreso because you like food, and not getting rained on when you are lying in bed, and working that job gives you the money to make that happen, then all of a sudden getting the shaft.


Below is an actual conversation I have had with a boss.

"Hey, why do I only have one shift this week?"
"Oh, we only need you for one shift."
"But there's 38 hours worth of work to do tonight, and I am here for 4 hours."
"Oh, yeah, we don't care what the place looks like, or if the people who spend their money here can find anything, we just like being as inept as possible, every chance we get."

Ok, im paraphrasing, i may have said 5 hours.

That's not even the worst part. The worst is when they try to justify to you, as if they were looking out for you by screwing you sideways to the Grease soundtrack.They make it sound like they are doing you a favour.

"Think about all the free time you will have with 2 extra days off".
Yes, I have needed to free up a few afternoons for boiling socks for soup and crying into a bucket to do laundry in.

"Youre too good for this place anyways."
Ok, then pay me more to over-achieve here then. And thank you for acknowledging my aptitude, and rewarding me with the opposite of a reward. A de-ward, if you will.

I remember being desperate, looking for any job I could find, and applied for the most menial jobs anywhere so i could earn some cash. And I get this email. This is a real email rejection I received from a place I applied to.


Dear (-------)

Thank you very much for you interest in working at (------ --------).
Your resume is certainly impressive, and you would no doubt be an asset to our company.
Unfortunately, we are looking to fill the general customer service clerk, a position you are obviously over qualified for. We welcome you to reapply for higher positions in the future, where we would be able to utilize your skills more fully.

Thank you,

(Some Idiot)
(One of the several hardware stores here in this town)

I almost killed my monitor when I read this.

"Able to utilize your skills more fully"? First, that doesn't even make sense as a sentence. Second, I wonder what kind of position I could get a Canadian Lowe's Depot Hardware if I stay at home and practice making dinner out of Sardines and the Pennysaver.

"A position you are obviously over qualified for."
Then why not let me toil away in awesomeness until a position opened up?

"We welcome you to reapply for higher positions in the future"
Right, I will just sit here eating Chef Boyardee out of a can waiting for one of your illustrious "higher positions" to open up. Maybe i'll get lucky and I can be the guy that changes the signs out front. Or the guy that makes sure all the faucets in the sink sections are facing the same way. I would totally kick ass at alphabetizing the nail guns or arranging all the paint swatches into wicked awesome mosaic paintings of geese playing tetherball.

That's all for now, I have a KD and auto trader casserole to put in the oven

The Eighth One...

I love dogs. I would sell my brother into slavery for a Corgi puppy right now. Especially one that knew how to go buy groceries and cook my grilled cheese sandwhiches on a whim.

I understand that I am far too busy to own a dog, not to mention far too broke, but I know that it would not be fair to go and get a dog, and then leave it at home by itself all day. That's a dick move, and for many reasons.

One, if the dog is alone from 9 am til 7 pm, he will likely need to pee or crap within that time frame. So to force them to hold it for ten hours, or to yell at them when they fail to would be a turd move of royal proportions.

Two, I don't know which breeds do, but I do know Corgis do not have thumbs. Therefore, he will be bored as hell all day and not even able to play Playstation or work the satellite remote to put on Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer.

Dogs are expensive. The SPCA charges you three thousand and fifty two dollars just to come see a dog, and the adoption cost is triple that.When a dog isn't given attention, and affection, they can become little assholes who will bark all day long, understandably so because they are bored and lonely.

Why in god's name do people go out and get dogs, so they can just leave them outside all day to bark sixty five times a minute, for fourteen consecutive hours? It's like when people take their kids out to the movies with them, and let them cry through the movie all night. You are likely immune to your dog's bark, or your kid's cry, but everybody else can hear them.

If getting a dog is so important to you, you would think you would treat the dog better than leaving it outside for hours at a time, every day, especially now that its November and cold as hell.
Dogs aren't meant to sit in a dog house on a chain by themselves all winter long. If you're going to do that to your pet, then why bother getting them in the first place?

In a nutshell, I will accept all donations of Corgi puppies, or grilled-cheese making, grocery shopping robots effective immediately.

The Seventh One...

So I found another funny show, and am watching my fifty-third episode in a row on youtube.

I haven't gotten out of my chair since the first one ended, it's becoming a concern.

The show is called "Super Fat vs Super Skinny", and it is pretty close to the show idea I put in my prior blog.

The premise is fairly decent, but there are some shortfalls, but it is a British show so I will cut it some slack.

Basically they take someone who eats way to damn much, and introduces them to someone who is exactly opposite. Then they put them in a house, hilariously called The Feeding House, and have them eat each others meals for 5 days. The highlight for me so far was watching this behemoth sitting there drooling away while this 65 pound thing tries to wolf down her second double cheese beef sandwich. The "Super Fat" as they are affectionately referred to had already polished off her second and final grape hours earlier, and has to endure watching the "Super skinny" gag and act revolted for having to eat so damn much.

Like I said, the concept is pretty decent, and I hope some people watch it, but when I become rich and get my own production company and buying the rights to the show and making it better.

First, Super Fat vs Super Skinny would become a sports show, and have a team of Barges versus a team of 90 pound weaklings in a series of hilarious competitions such as:

Stair Climbing:
Competitors line up side by side at the bottom of a ten step stair case, and have to get to the top before the other.

Edge: Skinnies

200m race:
Patients run 200m, first one across the finish line wins.

Edge: Superfats. The race will be downhill, and there is pie at the finish line.

Who can sit in the sun the longest without sweating:
This would be a bit confusing because you would need an experienced judge to discern sweat from grease.

Edge: Skinnies

Piggy Back Race:
A pair of competitors from each team get together, and one has to carry the other ten feet.

Edge: Skinnies

Who can eat two thousand chicken wings the fastest:
Self-explanitory.

Edge: Obvious.

I find the current format very entertaining, but I hope they take my suggestions into consideration.

The Sixth One.

So I have finally watched Man vs Food. I gotta say, it is awesome. The guy is endearing, and the concept is hilarious. Some of the foods I have seen this guy eat have made me feel full as hell, it's like a contact high with food. My cardiologist even called me just to see if I was ok. Now this show totally beats the hell out of watching crap like Jersey Shore or the Real Housewives of Abu Dhabi, but this show got me feeling a little bad about life.

Here is this fat dude walking around eating garantuan amounts of greasy ass food, which he gets for free, and he likely makes an assload of money through advertising and contract from the Food Network. He gets revered like a rockstar, and acts like one on his show. However, the guy is basically the poster child for diabetes, obesity and quad-bypass surgery. I think it is sort of funny how you get commercials for Fat- Free Silhouette yogurt and Cheerios with their ultra mega cholesterol lowering powers in between ten minute spurts of this guy chugging down eleven pound pizza subs and sandwiches with french fries and ice cream on them.

Maybe he is actually a martyr. He has noticed the obesity epidemic in North America, and he is doing his best to eat absolutely all the bad food in America to prevent average Joes from making poor nutritional decisions.

I wonder if they get this show in Kenya, or Sierra Leone? The entire village would be confused as hell as one giant fat man eats more food in one sitting than they do in a week combined. There are people in the world who die of starvation every day, and I'm sure when this guy dies of his inevitable heart explosion, it will free up enough food to save about 86 people.

I propose a show that has all the entertainment value of Man vs Food, but with a little bit more social responsibility. You could do it on site in different cities, and take homeless people, or starving villagers in impoverished countries, and then slap down a 12 pound pastrami sandwhich and watch them eat that.
Hell you could mesh a bunch of different shows into one, let them phone a friend to come eat some too, or ask the audience if they want some.

I know I would watch that.

The Fifth One...

I hate advertising. Really. Pop-up ads annoy the crap out of me, and they have gotten far worse than they were when I first started using the internet. Before it was some small pop up window with 8-bit colours flashing telling me "Congradulation! You are 1,000,000th visiter to the site! Click here for you're prize!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

When it first happened I would get all excited, thinking I won, because the internet is so vast and EVERYONE uses it, so maybe I really AM the one millionth person to visit this site! Hell, I was already the millionth viewer on six sites last week, maybe I am really lucky! Maybe they are giving away some of those exclamation points they seem to have so many extra of. I'd come back to a site a week later and I would get the same pop-up and think that maybe I am still the one millionth visitor cuz no one has come here since. Who uses Google anyways?

Now here I am, years later and still getting screwed by advertising.

I had a "fun size" chocolate bar yesterday, and I can't understand the concept behind the name.
There is nothing "fun" about a chocolate bar that completely melts in your hand while you fumble to open the package because it is so damn small you can't grip it between the necessary two fingers.

So, candy companies of the known galaxy, explain to me how one is to enjoy oneself whilst covered from the first knuckle to finger tip in waxy chocolate sludge, trying to scrape the wholesome goodness out of a microscopic tear in the packaging, all while cursing and getting in trouble by one's boss for not howling expletives at your snack with customers in the store. Riddle me that!

A true FUN size for a chocolate bar would be one that requires a wheelbarrow and small herd of oxen to bring home from the grocery store. I know I would enjoy myself slightly more if I didn't have to open and eat sixty five mini chocolate bars just to have enough touch my tongue so my brain can sense taste. I think they had to change it from "bite size" to "fun size" because the government held a study and found that the only person who have mouths small enough to actually manage to bite a chocolate bar that size in half is a newborn infant, and theyre usually too busy getting born and breathing for the first time to think about chocolate. Plus, they don't have teeth.


If candy companies want to inject some more fun into their chocolate bars, they can try making them as big as possible. Or making them into fun shapes. A fully functioning Playstation 3 made entirely out of nougat and caramel would get a pass from me. I would like for all skateboards to be made out of chocolate, so that way the jerks who make all kinds of noise outside my house every day wouldn't make it out of their own driveways.


I would accept a chocolate turkey stuffed with caramel.
Or, a real turkey stuffed with caramel.

It would make you crazy high on sugar before crashing on turkey induced sleep.

The Fourth One...

So I feel pretty good tonight.

I didn't win the lottery again! It's awesome, I totally dodged a bullet. The numbers came in, 12...15..19..20...28...29...39... and the number 14 was bestowed the honor of being the bonus number... meaning it is absolutely useless to you unless you already had 6 out of 7 numbers, at which point it just distinguishes you from the people who actually won the lottery, and those who won the consolation prize.

I'm glad I didn't win the lottery, and it was close too. If the number 12 was actually a 13, and you dropped the 0 from 20, and 28 and 29 were each 5 numbers less than what they really were, AND 39 was just 9, and the bonus number wasn't useless to me, I would have totally been stuck winning. I'm so lucky.

I mean, what would I do if I did win? Why in god's name would I want to lay in a nice warm bed tomorrow until I wake up and take a limo to OLG headquarters and get my novelty check, when I can drag my bones out of bed at 8 am, and freeze my feet off when they hit the floor because I am too cheap to turn the heat on until Christmas, and shuffle off to the Brantford Transit (read: loser mover) to haul me to the job I work so I can earn minimum wage to make the minimum payment on my seven credit cards. I would have to let Geeves make me dinner, and he won't let me dip my Eggos in my Spaghettios anyways, so whats the point? I would have to have rich cherry wood furniture, and I just finally finished Feng Shui-ing my upside-down milk crate dining room set to allow for maximum chi, and those crates took me forever to collect, because the man in the dairy department frowns upon you dumping the milk bags out of them and sprinting out the fire exit with it tucked under your arm. Everyone always gives me the rudest looks when I do that. I don't scowl at them when they're in the Ikea parking lot loading their Herken Yogenfruz Loveseat into their economy sized sedan.

Honestly, who would want that? I'd get lonely living on my own private island, and I don't think I could get Jersey Shore updates in the Bahamas.

Millionaires eat caviar, drink Courvoisier, and play cricket. First, I hate foods AND drink that start with 'C'*,
Why eat caviar when you can just eat fish sticks? You could buy smoked salmon and hit it with a hole punch and no one would tell the difference.
Why eat filet minion when you can have Salisbury Steak Hungry Man Dinners?
Why play cricket when you can play Roach Fumigation Doom Squad.

The rich lifestyle is totally not for me, which is why I am so glad that I didn't get stuck winning the lottery tonight. I really feel bad for whomever got suckered into that one.


Phew!!





*- Excluding chicken fingers, cheese, chips, chinese food, chocolate milk, chocolate, candy, Cap'n Crunch, clam chowder, cheeseburgers, corn bread, corn on the cob, corned beef, croissants, crepes, cider, cashew chicken, cupcakes, crackers, cake, cookies, corona, Canadian bacon, curry and carrot cake.