The Fifth One...

I hate advertising. Really. Pop-up ads annoy the crap out of me, and they have gotten far worse than they were when I first started using the internet. Before it was some small pop up window with 8-bit colours flashing telling me "Congradulation! You are 1,000,000th visiter to the site! Click here for you're prize!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

When it first happened I would get all excited, thinking I won, because the internet is so vast and EVERYONE uses it, so maybe I really AM the one millionth person to visit this site! Hell, I was already the millionth viewer on six sites last week, maybe I am really lucky! Maybe they are giving away some of those exclamation points they seem to have so many extra of. I'd come back to a site a week later and I would get the same pop-up and think that maybe I am still the one millionth visitor cuz no one has come here since. Who uses Google anyways?

Now here I am, years later and still getting screwed by advertising.

I had a "fun size" chocolate bar yesterday, and I can't understand the concept behind the name.
There is nothing "fun" about a chocolate bar that completely melts in your hand while you fumble to open the package because it is so damn small you can't grip it between the necessary two fingers.

So, candy companies of the known galaxy, explain to me how one is to enjoy oneself whilst covered from the first knuckle to finger tip in waxy chocolate sludge, trying to scrape the wholesome goodness out of a microscopic tear in the packaging, all while cursing and getting in trouble by one's boss for not howling expletives at your snack with customers in the store. Riddle me that!

A true FUN size for a chocolate bar would be one that requires a wheelbarrow and small herd of oxen to bring home from the grocery store. I know I would enjoy myself slightly more if I didn't have to open and eat sixty five mini chocolate bars just to have enough touch my tongue so my brain can sense taste. I think they had to change it from "bite size" to "fun size" because the government held a study and found that the only person who have mouths small enough to actually manage to bite a chocolate bar that size in half is a newborn infant, and theyre usually too busy getting born and breathing for the first time to think about chocolate. Plus, they don't have teeth.


If candy companies want to inject some more fun into their chocolate bars, they can try making them as big as possible. Or making them into fun shapes. A fully functioning Playstation 3 made entirely out of nougat and caramel would get a pass from me. I would like for all skateboards to be made out of chocolate, so that way the jerks who make all kinds of noise outside my house every day wouldn't make it out of their own driveways.


I would accept a chocolate turkey stuffed with caramel.
Or, a real turkey stuffed with caramel.

It would make you crazy high on sugar before crashing on turkey induced sleep.